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Sorcha wrote this down on a slip of paper and I found it in my wallet. I cannot get it out of my head.

"The Second Step is “We revolutionized our relationships to comfort and hunger.” Seriosuly. Life is not made out of milk chocolate and feather pillows. It’s all knives and danger and blood. If the sole end of your life is achieving comfort, you’re completely misguided and fat and probably super boring to talk to at cocktail parties. I mean come on. There’s plenty of time to be comfortable when you’re dead. For now, we need a radical new commitment to suffering." suffering."

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Confession memeCollapse )

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Sup, LJ. My day in bullets:

×Gorgeous day, gorgeous weather. Starbucks and clothes shopping and barbecues, oh my.

×I can handle sauciers and skillets and ovens, but goddamn tonight's attempt on the grill was a comedy of fucking errors. Worth it though, my chicken turned out bomb.

×I have the smartest dog ever, Jesus. Next I shall teach her to do my stats homework.

×Brett left me the best voicemail, it made me cry like a big dumb gurl.

×So absent-minded today that I shut my cat in the freezer. (For like three seconds, don't sic the ASPCA on me). Her damn fault for jumping in to steal ice cubes.

×I love my crazy sister and crazy friends.

×Dinner sucked, in that I ate it.

×I refuse to fall back into old bad habits. The new ones are working out just fine.

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"Every time I see you, you look prettier!"

My mom. Of course she means thinner. She spent the next hour on the phone detailing the plastic surgeries she believes I would benefit from.

It seems one big meal undoes everything. Tonight is special, but tomorrow I need to stop being a stupid lazy pig.

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Uuugghh. Ate a full meal (salmon, a little potatoes an a shitton of broccoli) and my system feels shocked.

Today was.. uh, really boring. MOAR SPRING CLEANING, so exciting. Scrubbed my floors, listened to Tupac (yeah I don't know either), tried to seriously evaluate my choices of late.

Paris, je t'aime
Lovely day actually.. Lunch with mom, who was in a docile mood.

Applied for the job opening at the charming little French café we went to.. Almost hoping I don't get it, it seems like I don't deserve it.

La danseuse qui m'a offré un boisson était habillé à la gamine, trop mince etc trop belle pour les mots. I sketched her face in a complacent half smile, left it on the tin check tray.

Today, for some reason I was able to let go of all my guilt, romantic confusion and madness. My usually crowded brain awash in shallow nothingness, I gave the day to a sunsplashed makeshift Paris. Over blood-orange Bellinis and porcini/escucher crèpes, I transcribed myself, practiced astral projection. I removed myself from this battleground body and inserted my consciousness into the pretty waif with the plum Louboutin pumps. I watched pretty girls in bright flowered aprons carry armfuls of lemons and for a brief moment felt okay.

Tomorrow I'm sure I'll revert back to my normal self and my greyscale existence, and will want to punish myself for absorbing all this undeserved beauty, but thank God for days like today.

Cal countCollapse )

One more thing:
3.6 GPA for the semester, which I am totally cool with considering I got through it while in recovery, in a financial mess and without a computer.

::pats self on the back::

New Year's Survey
1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

I went on a road trip with my girlfriend.  I got professional help for my eating disorder.  I took hallucinogenic mushrooms.  

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I hate making these, so I certainly didn't last year.  This year?  I don't think it's going to be any different.  I want to be a better girlfriend, friend and student.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Oh my god, the babies this year. Amanda and Eric had handsome Peyton, Marque and Dylan had lovely little Emma Marie, and Elise and Adren had the unfortunately-named little heart stealer Colton Gunner Wade Ulrihg.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My Uncle Bob, who was actually my mom's cousin's husband. He was a sweet old man, a brave WWII medic, and used to pop out his dentures and chase my terrified sister around making zombie noises.  He was a swell guy and I will miss him at Christmas.  One of Taylor's good friends was murdered in D.C., and although I didn't know him well, it hurt all the more because he was gay and he died for being out and proud.

5. What countries did you visit?

I didn't leave the state, let alone the States.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? 

Money.  Motivation.  Direction.  Self-awareness.  A better grip on reality.  More patience with myself and others. 

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Sept. 20, our 4-year anniversary.  Oct. 31.  Dec. 19.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I am sure that I have a bigger achievement under my belt this year, BUT.  I would say that typing a 14-page research paper on my Blackberry is something to be proud of.  Also, passing all my 4000 level psych classes without basic statistics.  Graduating recovery.  Keeping my wonderful relationship alive and making it better.  Making new friends.  Crying, for the first time in two years.  Finishing Finnigan's Wake.  

9. What was your biggest failure?

Keeping myself sane and healthy.  Not punishing myself for stupid shit.  Not taking myself to the doctor when I needed to go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I have been answering this survey since 2004, and this is the first time I have ever answered in the affirmative. I swam almost every day this summer and once got water in my ears I couldn't get out. The resulting infection was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced, and that's saying something. I ended up losing most of my hearing and my love for swimming.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Charlie. An apartment with an art studio. My big-assed hoodie from Ross that's helped me through a lot of bad days.  A Rabbit vibrator.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Thomas Beatie - power to you, brother.  Tina Fey.  Mr. President-elect Obama.  My brave, hardworking and beautiful girlfriend.  Anyone who stood up for their rights.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

A lot - a LOT - of people pissed me right the hell off this year, perhaps most of all the prize pigs at the Denver Police Department.  Other than that?  Men and their wars.  Anyone who directly or indirectly hurt wolves or bald eagles or children.  Casey Anthony, whose case I have been following obsessively since September (morbid, I know).

14. Where did most of your money go?

Necessities, mostly.  There was very little extra this year. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

The election. My Theories of Personality class.  Recovery, sort of.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Parliament Square by Stina Nordenstam.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?: Probably a little sadder. Thank you, hallucinogenic ego disintegration.
b) thinner or fatter?: Thinner.
c) richer or poorer?: Probably a little better off, financially.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Exercising.  Taking care of myself.  Watching my girlfriend sleep.  Studying.  Reading.  Sleeping.  Accepting help when I needed it. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Staying indoors.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Previous entry sums it up pretty well - spent it with my village.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Forgive the annoying platitude, but I did, all over again.  And for all of the rest of you - I reupped it, at least.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I watched a ton of Futurama this year.  Also?  The Office!  South Park.  The Simpsons.  The old standards... I don't really watch TV anymore.  I enjoyed the Anime Drinking Game with Lindsey earlier this year.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Unfortunately, yes.  It sucks.

24. What was the best book you read?

All of the Walter Moers books.  Deathly Hallows.  The God DelusionReflections of the Vietnamese DiasporaChrist in ConcreteThe Family That Couldn't Sleep.  I didn't read all that much this year - what gives?

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I have a huge list this year!  Petra.  Stina Nordenstam.  Laleh.  Tilly and the Wall. The Unicorns.  The Weepies. Salim Nourallah.  The Ting Tings.  Sparklehorse.  The Perishers.  Malcolm Middleton.  Laakso.  Ane Brun.  The Loveninjas.  Sia.  Wolf Parade.  Lily Allen (yeah yeah, I know.  I like that one song about bureaucrats and wanting to eat spaghetti.  Fuck you, it's catchy and cheers me up.  Plus she's adorable and the British accent?  Nom.)  Jens Lekman, for Pretty Shoes and the hilarious lyrics therein.  Fiona Apple for her cover of Across the Universe, possibly the sexiest version of that song EVER.  And - I admit it - that hilariously terrible and very dirty Konnichiwa Bitches by Robyn?  I have no idea why I like it.  The rest of the music is good though.

26. What did you want and get?

A new apartment. A better relationship with my sister. Professional help for my ED. New friends. A ring on my finger. A high yellow belt in tae kwon do.  A new president.

27. What did you want and not get?

Fabulous grades.  The right to marry who I choose.  A better relationship with my bugfuck crazy mother. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Probably Lars and the Real Girl or Burn After Reading.  I highly enjoyed WALL-e.  The Dark Knight was also okay.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I celebrated the exodus from my teen years with Barb and Jeri, a Cold Stone Chocolate Silk cake and lots and lots of cheap champagne.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Honestly, I wish people would have just stopped lying to me.  Thank you to everyone who didn't.  I also would have liked to see some of my friends' mental health improve a little more than it did.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Baby Phat bellbottom leggings, like every damned day.  A white sailor skirt.  Big hoodies.  Flip flops.  Anthropologie ripoffs from Kohls.  Printed shirts.

32. What kept you sane?

My life partner.  My friends, my lovers, my in-betweens, my support group, my therapists, my PA homies.  Weed, probably, up until I quit.  My babycats.  Everyone who cared.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Meaning, which celebrity's sweaty body did I want to ride like a steely-thighed Texas cheerleader?  Adriana Lima, maybe?  2008 was characterized by a number of crushes on, you know.  Actual people.  As for obsessions?  Obama.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 

Prop 8 and that  Colorado initiative designed to designate a clump of cells a human being.  And the election in general.

35. Who did you miss?

More than anyone, I missed Anne and Leah.  All my friends who were abroad to college.  My baby brother.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

So many new wonderful people came into my life this year.  Lindsey.  Nathan.  Amanda.  Megan.  Nate.  Cassandra.  Chelsea.  Lauryn.  Bryn.  Julie.  Angie.  SoYoung.  Valli.  I love you all!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Everything is ephemeral.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"I see us all as customers
Holding no purchase so far
Collapsing galaxies
Feathered with falling stars
I see us all as something
But nothing like we truly are."

I have a message from your former mentor! he says, "I'm dead."
Hi everyone! Hope you had a merry Christmas, and are having a relaxing Boxing Day, happy Chanukah, wonderful Kwanzaa or festive cult-related holiday!

I am an atheist but still manage to always get swept up in the only-vaguely-religious aspects of the holiday, sucker that I am. I love the songs (we go caroling every year, and one kind lady handed out fudge to the cold wassailers, prompting my cousin Luke to belt out an alternate version of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" entitled "We Notice You Have A Full Bar".)

I love the creche that my grandmother brought over from Denmark, their chipped faces so familiar from childhood (I remember being put in time out as a child for making Joseph make out with one of my Barbies, explaining to my horrified grandmother that Mary was "celimate" and Joseph was unhappy and there were no marriage doctors back then so he had to "leave the hive for his honey", which I swear is what I said, my poor grandmother. I was cut off from viewing any TV cable from that point on.) I love being gathered around the table with the village that raised me... But the food.

Oh, the food. Oh, the food food food food.
Typically we eat light on Christmas Eve - potato soup or sandwiches or something. But this year - oh no. For Christmas Eve, we had TWO roast beasts on the table. Ham AND brisket. And three kinds of potatoes. And casserole. And red vinegar cabbage, which is way better than it sounds. And sausage stuffed mushrooms, and bread, and wine. And then cake and rice pudding and preserves and oh my god.

And Christmas day always mirrors Thanksgiving exactly - turkey, dressing, etc etc et-fucking-cetera.

I ate, too. I ate a good, balanced serving of everything, didn't overindulge, didn't just pick at the celery. And I'm trying so hard not to hate myself over it.

I feel like I've gained 5139845213 pounds, which of course I haven't. I look the same, maybe even a little slimmer. I just feel that way. It's driving me crazy.

My cousins and I are going to Maggiano's tonight while they're in town.. After that Taylor wants to make Chanukah dinner, replete with latkes and brisket and wine.. And then? The wisdom teeth, Monday. I'm really hitting the ground running right out of program.

Wish me luck..

My ancestors came over here on the sandwich!
I have been SO BAD about updating. Serious failage here, guys. While I'm sure you're all pining away over the lack of sparkling wordplay and rapier wit you've come to expect from this blog (HAH) I am back, and will update with some regularity from now on.

I graduated from treatment yesterday, thanks to insurance (eff you sideways, United Behavioral Health). We had a beautiful, emotional celebration for me and another woman who entered treatment along with me, and now? I'm excited to be out and getting back to my life.

But Jesus Tapdancing Christ I have SO MANY FREE EVENINGS NOW.

I am going to face a few major triggers in the next few weeks, including:

-Christmas, where we dutifully celebrate the birth of Santa by gorging ourselves on a big fuckoff goose ferfuckssake;

-The New Year. (Oh that ubiquitous New Year survey is a'comin' to this blog soon, folks, don't you worry. Don't pay for the whole seat because you'll only need the EDGE.)

-My 21st birthday, which my mother has planned out to include three days of intensely vigorous exercise, with hardly any time for, you know. Drinking alcohol. I wanted to go out for a nice dinner with my family and then maybe barhop with some friends and my sister and flirt with some cute girls for free birthday drinks, but she spent an obscene amount of money on this ski trip for my older cousin's birthday in, like, November, and decided that that's what I was doing as well. Oh well.

-Getting my wisdom teeth out.

-Job hunting.

It's going to be hard not to have group support during this period... So at the very least I will be updating my journal and hoping somebody takes a peek every once in awhile.

I am cooking lunch for a friend this afternoon and my girlfriend has been "hinting strongly" at me to clean the damn house for like two days, and I can no longer feign not knowing English, so better get on that shit before she devours my head in a frightening rage that cannot be plied with wine nor Prozac. (Ha! Just kidding honey!) (Secret eyebrow raise to you guys NO I AM NOT.)

Uh, but first off, I have to show you something that's blowing my mind a little. Here, look:

A ComparisonCollapse )


Love you alllll.


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